there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
