The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
