I think I won the penis lottery.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
