it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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