note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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