So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
