my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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