I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
