We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
