it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
