I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
