There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
