Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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