She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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