just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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