just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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