For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
