if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
