I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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