I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
