hotel room ftw
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
God, I missed his penis.
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