I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
