that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
