my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
