I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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