my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
