Who wears a wallet chain?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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