I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
