He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
