Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
