Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
