My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize