She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
