I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
