My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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