I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
