I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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