So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
