we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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