Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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