Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
