If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
