we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
