I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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