you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
