Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
