I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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