I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
