I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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