My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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