I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize