Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
