I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
