Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize