put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
is that a dick in a sweater?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
