I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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