Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize