I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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