He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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