it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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